To kiss a broken destiny
the tenderness is shattered
to hold yourself in purity
lost what was once flattered

to hold security against the cold
tears of lonesome envy a cure
to treasure an empty hole
feels confusion over any fear

to scold days of cold
nights become surrendered lost souls
to store thoughts of bold
happiness lay down and grow old


Kris C Howard

Copyright ©2004 Kris C Howard


As I read over these poems that I wrote while thinking of an unknown love for Mike, I am stunned to see them in a whole new light. Sometimes I donít even know what they had to do with anything back then for they are so apparent now.

As time went on for me, I began getting more and more in tune with Michael. Maybe it was my own intuition or just a whole lot of coincidences. I always though it was my angels, that they had planned for me meet this man. One summer as I was writing in my journal, this distinct whistle popped in my head and instantly knew it had to mean something. So I looked out the window to find Mike driving down my street. That whistle became a strong notion for my connections and me with Mike. This happened every day for months! Sometimes more than once a day, and I now use that whistle to call my cat, Otis. He always comes.

I remember the day I turned 18. I was upset with Mike for the woman he was dating I had bad feelings about. I told him it was wrong, but he would not listen. I went to the bar and got a picture taken with Mike, and left him to his days. Soon after that, he was calling me telling me I was right about this girl. It was a little hard for him to get out of it, but through some crazy times he managed to pull through and get things going again. I began speaking to him again and we were even better friends. We often went on friendly dates to the city for dinner. This is when we learned the most about one another. We were finally in a position to understand these feelings we have had for many years.
I remember one Thanksgiving, I asked Mike what his plans were and he said nobody had invited him to any dinners. So I immediately assured him he would be more than welcome with my family. He was excited and I can honestly say that was the best Thanksgiving ever. Laughter and big eatin, it was a joyous event, as it became our official anniversary.

There was so many good times, so much to talk about and so much to love. I had my best friend in my arms and my dream in my life. Its hard to believe, all those lonely nights I dreamt and hoped and to find it all come true. One thing I still donít know, how did I know? I still remember Mike standing in a monkey suit with a red rose in his hand, he said to me, "I need to talk to you, Kris", with a real serious look on his face. This was a dream I had and I am not positive on what it meant. I have not let a single hour in my life go by since the day I met Michael, to not think of him.

Another dream I had, Mike was walking me down a hallway to the front door when he put one arm around my stomach and reached for the door with the other. As he turned the doorknob to open the door, his grip on me got tighter and I woke up.

Mike and I built a room under my parentís house and he helped me struggle with my Anxiety disorder. Mike was the one person to want me better. He took me shooting daily at the range got me out of the house when I needed air. I wanted so bad to get better and be able to do the normal things people do. I was scared to do anything, but by Mikeís side, I explored quite the bit more than I could imagine. I wanted to be me at 21 and loving life, explore and be happy. It became a dream. And if anyone knows dreams come true, it is me. And with Mikes help, I would not quit.

I look up in the heavens when I am scared and I see my Angel, you can do this, and I am. Now I am almost better than I have been in years. Iíve been driving alone and riding roller coasters. Some words I will never forget. Keep trying you deserve it. Donít give up. Mike is my hero for many reasons. he taught me love, he taught me courage, faith, hope, and he let explore a true friendship. One person I admire, One person I love, One person I dream of , One person I am proud of. And forever this joy will last.

I wear a ring on my finger. It will always be there. There is no emptiness in heart. There is Love and Memories.